My ailleurs (Cluj) is so close and at the same time: so far away.
And yet on Sunday, when I had plans to go to Cluj (I had bought a theater ticket and everything), I changed my mind and decided I'd rather spend all day in bed watching Halt and Catch Fire. Yes, I'm back to my old habits (not going out, chaotic sleeping patterns ~ "je tourne en boucle"). But it's more than that. My trips to Cluj are a constant reminder that I don't belong there. That I'm a failure.
|Halt and Catch Fire (season 2, episode 5: "Infiltrator")|
(The entire basis of consumer culture, basically.)
I love the passion, the FIRE of everyone in Halt and Catch Fire. It also makes me wonder why I don't have it. Sure, there will be days when I am so hungry - I want to read all the books, watch all the movies, write all the essays. That doesn't last long, though. I get so tired, so fast. First: my eyes. And soon: my entire body collapses into a deep sleep. Waking up is always so difficult.
Brève traversée / Brief Crossing (Catherine Breillat, 2001)
Waking up would be so much easier if I were able to keep that fire burning for more than a day.
(I wanna be Cameron so badly. Weird and crazy and brilliant. But this is also part of the not-going-to-happen. Too slow, not smart enough, etc.)
Fall has the power to renew my hopes. Even though for a brief time, things seem possible again. I make plans and lists. I get a new appetite for learning. (I've started re:learning Japanese for the nth time, and although Past Evidence says the contrary, I do think this time I'll be able to stick with it. I have to.) (I'd tell myself "ganbatte" but I know my best is not enough.)