Saturday, September 19, 2015

Untitled (3)

Rob Brezsny's advice for this week is to get naked and "cast a love spell on yourself." I might just do that. Maybe a spell is what I need to put an end to this endless stream of tears and self-loathing.

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BTS at the Harper's BAZAAR "ICONS" photoshoot


Have I ever been this pale? I think I like it. It makes me look the way I feel. Like a ghost.

Who knew anemia could be so fun? With this pale skin and all this hair loss I feel like I'm in a j-horror movie.


Nicole Dollanganger - Angels of Porn

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I've been in such a strange mood for months and I just want it to stop. And this has become so whiny that I can't stand it anymore. I'm thinking of moving to tumblr although I don't know what makes me think that a tumblr blog won't be just the same waste of space / time as this thing here. I don't know, I guess I just want smth new. A change. No matter how small.

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Sophie Calle asks: “What sets you apart from everyone else? What is missing from your life?”

What is missing from my life sets me apart from everyone else.


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

La rentrée

This playlist from Les Inrocks opens with a song called Envie d'ailleurs.



My ailleurs (Cluj) is so close and at the same time: so far away.

And yet on Sunday, when I had plans to go to Cluj (I had bought a theater ticket and everything), I changed my mind and decided I'd rather spend all day in bed watching Halt and Catch Fire. Yes, I'm back to my old habits (not going out, chaotic sleeping patterns ~ "je tourne en boucle"). But it's more than that. My trips to Cluj are a constant reminder that I don't belong there. That I'm a failure.

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Halt and Catch Fire (season 2, episode 5: "Infiltrator")

(The entire basis of consumer culture, basically.)

I love the passion, the FIRE of everyone in Halt and Catch Fire. It also makes me wonder why I don't have it. Sure, there will be days when I am so hungry - I want to read all the books, watch all the movies, write all the essays. That doesn't last long, though. I get so tired, so fast. First: my eyes. And soon: my entire body collapses into a deep sleep. Waking up is always so difficult.






Brève traversée / Brief Crossing (Catherine Breillat, 2001)

Waking up would be so much easier if I were able to keep that fire burning for more than a day.

(I wanna be Cameron so badly. Weird and crazy and brilliant. But this is also part of the not-going-to-happen. Too slow, not smart enough, etc.)

Also:



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However:

Fall has the power to renew my hopes. Even though for a brief time, things seem possible again. I make plans and lists. I get a new appetite for learning. (I've started re:learning Japanese for the nth time, and although Past Evidence says the contrary, I do think this time I'll be able to stick with it. I have to.) (I'd tell myself "ganbatte" but I know my best is not enough.)