Thursday, August 27, 2015

Cruel Summer



Each and every summer since I was 13. Since she left me. And I'll never know why. Or why all of our common friends (my only friends, that is) decided to side with her and disappear from my life. Literally overnight. O. was the only one who stuck around for a few more months but by winter, she would be gone too.

I'll never know why people stop liking me / don't like me. And it's definitely not smth you can just ask. And would knowing really help? I lack too many things, and it's too late to fix myself. (I hate it when people say "it's never too late." For some things, for most things it is too late.)

*

From a book I haven't read:

"Friendless! Friendless! It lingered like a curse."

*
Pretty Little Liars (season 6, episode 6: "No Stone Unturned")
*

In the trailer for the second season of The Affair, Alison (Ruth Wilson) says:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not a real person, like no one sees me."

This is what it all boils down to: being seen. Being seen as the only way of knowing that your existence isn't merely an illusion. That your existence matters. (This is exactly one of the reasons why I've been so obsessed with Fifty Shades. So much of it is about being seen.)

*

Whenever I get this insecure I go and read my old blog posts or my Twitter feed, etc. As a way of reassuring myself that yes, I'm mostly boring, and yes, I can say some really dumb stuff, but also: I can be funny, and I can have good taste. I can be pretty awesome sometimes and fuck everybody for not noticing. But then the same nagging questions return: why did this or that person disappear? why did they lose interest? what's wrong with me?

From Jenny Hval's That Battle Is Over:

"everything I write begins with the question, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"

*

Then again: it's easier this way. Loneliness and isolation make it easier to live with my many imperfections, with this disgusting blob of flesh that calls itself my body. And I do enjoy dancing on my own way more than I would enjoy dancing in a club or at a private party. And I do love watching movies by myself. So maybe focus on extending this list instead of obsessing over what I can't have, the not-going-to-happen? Ha. Whom am I trying to fool here? Obsessing over the not-going-to-happen is what I do. I just hope I'll get part of it out of my system and not let it get in my way. Fall is just around the corner and I need to start doing the things I promised myself I would do.