Sunday, March 22, 2015

Ugly and Unfuckable

Of course someone like Jamie Dornan wants to be seen as more than just a pretty face. But it's exactly because of that pretty face that he's given the chance to prove he can be more. 

Girls like me, ugly and unfuckable (+), have no other choice than to be more than a face, more than a body. So what to do when you can't rise above mediocrity? When you stay stupid. In more ways than one.

Reading interviews like this one with Meredith Graves of Perfect Pussy doesn't help either. When beautiful people talk about their insecurities, on one hand, like Fariha Roísín says, you don't wanna be dismissive of their feelings, but on the other hand, it's always hard to suppress an eye roll. Because if they're so insecure, then how the fuck should I feel? I should just lock myself in my room, shouldn't I? (Well, I guess I sorta did that for 3+ years, on and off.)

I've been driving myself crazy thinking of this. I wrote my fucking thesis on body image issues. I should know better than to give in to this negative self-talk. At that time, doing the research, writing about media representations, and focusing on ED and plastic surgery - I'd never felt that had anything to do with me.

I now realized I had been downplaying my insecurities for years. I think I was actually proud of myself for being able to look at women's magazines, wishing for a second I looked like those girls / women, but being aware it was their job to look like that, never feeling like I needed to go on a diet or to a beauty salon. But while I was telling myself all these things, the girls around me - already pretty - internalized the message of all those images all too well and they did go on diet after diet and they did subject themselves to expensive,  time-consuming beauty treatments. So now I don't even have to look at photos of models and actresses to feel bad about myself. It's enough to look at the girls / women around me, or on my tumblr dashboard, or on Instagram, etc. (Basically, my thesis has become, in a really short time, a historical account of media representations of the female body and its effects on girls / women. It's completely out of touch with what's going on now.)

I feel like all those insecurities that have been somewhat dormant have now come back with a vengeance.

*

"You get the face you deserve." I can't even pinpoint the origin of this quote, I've heard it in so many places. And no matter how many times I hear it, it still has the power to destroy me. It's a reminder of how stupid I've been about my face. Not taking care of it. Playing it tough and saying "it doesn't matter." 

And it really wouldn't matter IF -

If I were a good writer. If I were a better reader. If I had a job that I liked / were good at, or: If I knew how to do the freelance thing. If I were financially independent. If I had my own place in Cluj. Etc. etc.

"Good" would still not be good enough but at least it's not "bad" / "mediocre."

*

(+) I guess I stole this from Jessa. Besides some random posts at The Hairpin and The Toast, she's the only one who talks about the women that interest me. Spinsters. She's also the one whom I can count on to provide a list of inspirational reading material. A collection of books and quotes that I hope will turn "ugly and unfuckable" into fuel. Fuel to push me further. To become a good writer, to become a better reader, to think more, to think better.