Thursday, February 26, 2015


Trying for the nth time to learn the basics of coding and failing. This time is Stanford's Programming Methodology and Karel the Robot Learns Java.

Watching The X-Files.

Having as a favorite item of clothing a thrifted sweater that is probably from the 80s / early 90s.

All this conjures up that early 90s feeling - when there's no getting out of this small town, when I can't see beyond it, when everything is a dead end. The result is twofold: apathy (why bother doing anything at all when there's no getting out?) and alienation (I can't connect to these people who are too caught up in their mediocre little lives).


The same old question is gnawing at me:

Longing. Would I be longing for the same things if I didn't read the books I read, didn't see the movies I see, didn't listen to the songs I listen to?


There's this quote from Barthes's A Lover's Discourse, a famous one, that I've been trying to find for days. It's about books shaping our desire for love. I think. Because now that I can't find it I wonder if this is not a false memory. (I've recently discovered I've had a false memory about a book and now I'm worried it might not be the only one.) So I went back to Eugenides's The Marriage Plot where I first read it but I still can't find it. What I do know is that it's definitely time to re:read A Lover's Discourse.


And in this loneliness, all the things I'll have to be for myself:

the knightess {1}
the one who tells me "girl, you know, you gotta watch your health" {2}
the boy / girl with the band-aids {3}
the boy who emails me: GO TO SLEEP {4}
the one I tell: I don't want to let you down {5}
etc. etc.

{1} from M.T.'s & E.C.'s writing; Joan of Arc; Shin A-lam
{3} from manga, both yaoi and yuri
{4} from Fifty Shades of Grey


Even though I'm more than well acquainted with loneliness, I still have to learn how to be alone. Especially in public.

I have conquered aloneness in movie theaters and theaters a long time ago, concert venues as well (the ones with seats and tickets sold in advance at least). But I still have a problem with concerts in clubs. Restaurants and cafes are especially problematic. Last year, when I first went alone to Nobori I was feeling so self-conscious the whole time. This time though, I was braver. I took the table next to the window, read from M's book and enjoyed my green tea and sushi - oishii, as always. All the while reveling in the anticipation of seeing Fifty Shades of Grey (that cam dubbed in Spanish I had already seen was somewhat satisfying but definitely not enough). And then going back to the hotel and having the room all too myself. It was a pretty good evening. The only thing that made me rather uncomfortable was the crowd at Victoria. I wasn't in a hurry at all, I even stopped at Librarium Universității and got Brecht's erotic poems (kinda disappointing so far). I seriously did not expect so many people to show up for a Tuesday screening. I actually asked if they still had tickets. I only have to ask that question at film festivals.

(Even though I felt like a total creep doing this, I braided my hair before the movie started. I love that feeling of going into a movie knowing what it's about, and having a detail in your outfit / appearance as a reference to the movie. Like when I went to see Attack the Block at Casa TIFF and wore a hoodie. It doesn't always have to be about the outfit. Like last year, when despite being bone-tired and despite my multiplex-phobia I went to the mall to see The Grand Budapest Hotel because in class that day we had talked about marketing for hotels.)


Selfies as feminist acts of self-love (?)

{1} cheap hotels
{2} favorite sweater
{3} The X-Files, season 1, episode 8: "Ice" (the episode that reminded me of Greg Rucka's Whiteout)
{4} Tadayoedo Shizumazu Saredo Naki mo Sezu by Yoneda Kou
{5} Kuchibiru Tameiki Sakurairo (This Love from I Can't Remember When) by Morinaga Milk
{6} overdue haircut. when the hairdresser pulls your hair and you have to tell yourself "don't be a creep. do not think of 50 Shades. DO NOT be a creep." (at this point I'm just laughing at myself b/c I've never thought I would obsess over smth like that) also: tired, tired, so fucking tired.

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